Over-Analyzing Rap Videos

Chingy- One Call Away

After proudly showing off his ‘DTP’ jacket. Chingy rolls up in his Honda Accord (or whatever bloody car these bloody rappers drive) to the ‘DTP Bank’. It seems I have been missing out on a fashion trend completely and I am struggling to focus solely on this analysis as I am ebaying HSBC smoking jackets.

Anyway, Chingy is trying to pick up a girl at the drive-thru bank. As you do. I’m unsure why the girl’s supervisor (played here by ‘disgruntled older black woman with old Oprah weave’) doesn’t have anything to say about her uniform. It seems to me it would fall somewhat short of the required standards of the DTP Bank dress policy.

But hold on; “it was weird how we met (huh), she was with her mom at Bank America, with my son, cashing a cheque”.

….sorry?

Right ok, first of all, why would cashing a cheque at a bank be determined weird? or are you referring to the fact that she is with your son, based on your sentence structure. So, you met this woman, at the bank, and she happened to be with her mom, but also with your son. You then proceeded to ask her if she wanted to ‘explore the world’ out of respect. I’m not really sure an out of the blue suggestion to join a stranger on a round-the-world expedition would be topping the respect polls any time soon Chingy, despite the fact the girl has abducted your son. You seem to be coping with that quite well.

The burgeoning relationship moves on to playing playstation, all child kidnapping forgotten about. Chingy’s declaration he ‘ain’t on that stuff’ (stuff being Chingy being in a rush to touch) being accompanied by possibly the most outright “hey, check me out, I’m looking right at your tits” shot of all time. BUT HE AIN’T ON THAT STUFF.

Chingy then asks her to call him up to talk about politics. We’re slipping further away from the realms of the plausible by the second. So she rings him up in the shower. Skank.

Next we’re inexplicably treated to some shots of Chingy getting full on beasted at basketball. I mean, to the point his peers are straight Harlem Globetrotting around him. Maybe we’re meant to think he is ‘hung up’ on this girl. I think he just sucks at basketball. His lame attempt at trickery is met with the positive reaction of a woman thinking “well, he might be shit at basketball, but he sure has a big dick”. She then invites herself back to his place, and strips to a ‘see-through thong set’ whilst he is showering. I mean, we’re dealing with a classy girl here people. It took a poorly made business card, a game on the playstation, a phone call and a basketball game to get her down to her thong. They don’t make morals like those any more. To drum that point home, we get a ‘previously on- this video’ recap of the love story so far, in case you have some form of brain disorder that blanks out the first 3 or so minutes of a rap video and you were concerned you were lagging behind the rest of the audience.

So guys; drive-thru banks are full of skanks. Get those novelty business cards ready and loosen your bond with your son. Easy sex is just around the corner.

Cash Money Millionaires- Bling Bling

I’m not sure why the twelve ‘woah’s that begin this song didn’t instill the caution that was required in me when approaching this song. The group clearly felt it necessary to categorically highlight that your attention would be needed immediately following said ‘woah’s, and you were not to be distracted by the pretty girls and big cars.

That being said, as soon as the twelfth ’woah’ was done, I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on. Perhaps I was expecting subsequent woahs. There was quite a lot of woahs. 

As soon as we leave the relative comfort of the woahs, we suddenly find ourselves stranded in a lot of blips, incoherent boasting and money being thrown around near water. By about the 37 second mark, it’s almost as if this is a ‘previously on Cash Money Millionaires’ montage. The visuals don’t seem to have anything to do with anything, and the gentleman rapping doesn’t really seem to have heard the beat of the song before.

I almost suspect they asked a man they found in a skip outside the recording studio to comment on the fast-cut visuals after strapping him to a chair, A Clockwork Orange style. “EARRINGS….GRILLS….PLEASE MAKE IT STOP*” (*that may not be an actual lyric).

I’m unsure which to spend my time doing; trying to decipher what the fuck they are saying, or work out what the fuck is going on in the video. They’re on a bridge! They’re at a dining table on the street! Look at this man’s arm! It somehow denotes wealth! 

A young Lil Wayne, aged three, shows up and I’m not even sure he is actually using words. Aside from the occasional coherent phrase: “something something something baby, something something baby, uh huh”, there rest just seems like he is trying to communicate with Manatees.

And then we get the chorus and suddenly everything makes sense.

“Look at all these things that I have, bling bling

Aren’t all my things really nice, bling bling

If you haven’t noticed, quite a large portion of my wares on display sparkle in the light, bling bling

I just thought you’d like to know, bling bling”

This was before Facebook, lets not forget. These lads have just made a video to show off their pretty jewellery. My sister did something like that when she was 3, it was adorable. It was awfully nice of them to let their friend ‘do a rap’ as well, bless his heart. Look at him at 2.00 with his nice shiny briefcase, probably containing a chocolate milk and directions back to his house in case the mean boys stopped letting him play with them. He really does not let go of that briefcase. Maybe it’s got his inhaler in it. 2.11 though, wow he is loving that helicopter. “LOOK AT DIS HELICOPTER, IT GOES WOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. 

2.19 and we’re back to just noise. It’s like he’s not even trying. Just bloody throwing his money round, willy nilly. Enunciate young man!

A question this video throws up is; if you can afford such expensive jewellery, cars and just throw money around…why are you just wearing plain white t-shirts? Surely a nice cashmere sweater? A crisp oxford shirt, perhaps in a mustard yellow colour? Come on boys, you’re almost there.

In conclusion, Cash Money Millionaires have a lot of money. They do not have a particularly exciting wardrobe. They fucking love briefcases.

Mario- Let Me Love You

The premise of this video seems to be our protagonist Mario trying to convince the girlfriend of one of his acquaintances that he is the superior male, and he should, as the title suggests, let him “love” them. Now, the first obvious question this throws up is; if we are to take this literally, why does Mario need permission? The song should in fact be called “I Love You Irrespective of Your Feelings Towards Me and Apparent Lack of Availability, Dating-Wise’”

The more likely interpretation, however, is Mario constructing a love song around the premise that, due to his procurement of questionably decorated loft apartments and bicycles (how and why are they in there? Does the building not have a garage? Surely some kind of storage facility would have been better) that he should be her ‘selection’ for sole admission into her brown pleasure palace, and not the perfume and make-up wearing guy she is currently wearing. But who in fact is the better selection?

Our first encounter with the lady in question, a sweaty Mario leers from his loft window onto the conveniently placed domestic going on in what appears to be a very well lit alley way. Mario seems convinced the lady ‘enjoys being hurt’ when factual evidence displayed RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM shows the only one being pushed around, doubted and generally mocked is the male he is trying to usurp. I mean, sure, Mario may be privy to information on the guy’s philandering ways, but the poor guy is getting publicly beat down.

Mario goes on to outright say that, if he was your man, he would be coming home to you “every night, doing you right”. Would you also be wearing that blazer Mario? Would you also be doing a dance routine in front of the large mirror you had installed in a room that could have quite easily been used as a utility room or an additional bedroom?

On reflection, throughout the video, the only real thing Mario offers is questionable dance routines of a sub-Usher standard, and rooms spacious enough for said dance routines. He is essentially running some kind of Community Kids Club. The audacity of the man: “hey guys, why don’t you all come over to my crib and watch me dance. The vintage chrome bicycles outnumber the actual seating options, and the entire performance is going to be completely undermined by the fact it will be solely dedicated to seducing this girl, but hey, look at the awesome graffiti. I had my guy Sven do it. He said it was ‘so two-thousand-and-helloooooooo’”.

Now, I haven’t been to many urban loft dance parties, but I sure know I would be uncomfortable if, despite the crowd evidently ‘feeling it’, one of those in attendance leapt to their feet and started dancing along provocatively, very much on their own. If I was watching the Philharmonic orchestra and really enjoying it, I wouldn’t just jump out of my seat and start humming some Chopin to show my appreciation. I would probably just nod my head and look intense, like the gent in the Yankees cap trying very, very hard to focus on the dancing of Mario and friends, and not the bizarre lady in lilac next to him.

Just as Mario thinks the night is over and he is ready for a night of postulating alone on one of his chrome penis-enlagers, HARK! It would appear our protagonists dance-sleaze attack has worked, as the lilac bitch returns. (As a side note, how utterly shit are the silhouettes of the male and female figures on this door? It also makes it look like she’s coming out of the girls toilets. After a massive poo.)

Now, I’m not really too sure what happens next, lilac bitch is suddenly in different clothes, and they are both dancing in the middle of the room. Have they just banged, showered, got dressed and are now doing a celebration jig? That would seem somewhat callous and a little strange. This goes on for an uncomfortably long time and would appear to take the place of extended scenes of them banging. Because frankly, I’m surprised everyone in attendance at Mario’s dance party aren’t forming an orderly queue to smash him, his skills were so silky and provocative, the all-white wearing bastard.

Also, Mario, I don’t really like your tone at 3.41. Don’t ‘hey’ me. You haven’t been subjected to 3+ minutes of you sleazing via the medium of dance. Their sex dance is STILL FUCKING GOING ON at this point too. She came back for some ‘good love and protection’ (at least he’s being careful) at 2.41, and an ENTIRE MINUTE later they’re still pirouetting the fuck out of each other. Like, 30% of this entire video is dance-sex…

OH SNAP, THEY’RE ON THE FLOOR. HIS PLOT WORKED. The sly fox. I bet he’s knackered. Practicing in front of his big mirror all night, after a boxing and perving session, then group practice the following day and then the big performance, followed by an impromptu bout of foreplay dance. And the lilac bitch expects him to rock her world? By the look on the smug bastard’s face at 4.24, he like, totally did.

So what have we learned? Well, Mario is certainly committed to the art of convincing girls to cheat on their boyfriends with well rehearsed dance routines in apartments that seem completely uninhabitable (he has three bikes but no bed? Where is his kitchen?) and the girl in his targets has little to no morals. She has buckled under little more than speculation about her boyfriends antics, a bit of make-up on his shirt and the smell of perfume. What if I were to tell you that HE HAD BEEN VISITING HIS MOTHER WHO WAS DYING OF CANCER IN THE HOSPICE AND HAD SPRAYED SOME OF HER PERFUME TO REMIND HIM OF HOW SHE HAD BROUGHT HIM UP SINGLE HANDEDLY ON ONE INCOME AND WANTED TO REMEMBER HER AS SHE PASSED ON INTO THE AFTERLIFE, THE LAST ROSE PETAL DRIFTING OFF INTO THE ETHER, A DEFEATED WOMAN. 

As a side note. The girl’s boyfriend hung himself after the filming of this video.

Mario, I hope she was worth it.